Talking Shit

I see them many a morning. Like moles they clamber out of their vans, blink at the daylight, and look for the nearest drystone wall or hedge to go and empty their bowels behind.

Some of them wield a trowel and loo roll. Some a carrier bag. Many of them go empty handed.

If you peer over said wall, or behind hedges or embankments near any van sized lay-by in the National Park you’ll see messages written in human arse-code laid out in dots and dashes of white, pink, and brown. I’m intrigued how these ‘dumpsters’ would react if someone curled one down close to their home where they and their kids and their dogs play.

I know of at least one Peak farmer who, almost every weekend of the year when he opens his curtains, looks up to his top field to see white arses crouched on his side of the top wall. What a view to wake up to !!! That field is where his Belted Galloway cattle wander and feed !!

Where’s this post going ? Down the toilet ? On manoeuvres with the military on the Canadian Prairie we used to be issued space-age looking bags that we a) opened b) crapped and pissed in to c) sealed closed. They worked and, moreover, they kept the waste of thousands of NATO troops off the Prairie. Those bags were replicated by a company called WAG, although, pardon the pun, they were expensive and rarer than unicorn shit to find. It ended up costing a small fortune to open the bomb doors.

I’ve recently found ‘PB10 Eco Powder Bags’ from I’ll let the packaging explain what they are and what they do …..

….. they’re actually designed to go inside the loo that they sell. I just hold the sides of the bag. The bag then rolls up and goes in the rucksack / boot of the car / nearest bin. They are biodegradable and can be buried, but rather than running the risk of Carol the Cow digging up your last meal, it’s easier to pack them out. They work out at about £1.50 per bag. Carry them in a brightly and differently coloured small dry bag (you wouldn’t want to reach in to it in the dark and mistakenly pull out something to eat) along with some hand cleaner. Put some elastic bands in the bag too to keep the used poo-bags rolled up (don’t worry the waste is crystallised and near solid). You’ll need loo roll too. Obvs. Unless you’re a fan of the sticks and stones method !!!!

I personally don’t think that using a trowel to bury waste 6’’ down in loose earth the other side of a wall from a popular countryside car park is exercising a ‘leave no trace’ mindset. I use these bags and ‘pack it out’.

PS if you’ve been in some posh loos you might have seen that they are twinned with a less salubrious khazi on the other side of the world via a charity called – PopALoo bags make a contribution from all sales to this charity. Do good when you poo !!!!

Human waste is a serious litter and hygiene issue and we all need to do our bit to keep the countryside and wild spaces clean.

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